Awake in my dreams...

Cold and dreary are my dreams of late. Sitting on a polished wooden floor. The room dark. The hum of the heater struggles to drown out the whisking of cars passing outside. Otherwise the silence would be deafening. The beams of red-lit signs creep through the closed blinds. Clothes outstretched across the room. My bed tonight. This is what I wanted. I’m still asleep, yet when will I wake?

I have spent the last month living out of a suitcase. Yet the months preceding this have felt much the same. Why is it, when you look back at the last six months of your life, it always looks tumultuous? Like it went nothing as to how you planned it? I feel I can always look back twelve months to where I was then, and to where I thought I would be in twelve months time, and observe just how wrong my predictions were. I am sure I am not the only one to feel this. I would make a lousy economist; worse a meteorologist!

Since making the decision to leave Vet, assisted by Centrelink’s decision not to assist me anymore, I find myself enduring endless misgivings about the roads I am choosing; the roads not chosen. Do not get me wrong: I have wanted this move to Hobart for quite some time, and am not sad for the decision to move here. Not yet. Rather, I have misgivings about things I am leaving. They are not possessions, or even places. They are feelings, and experiences.

Being back in Brisbane these last few weeks was enough to make me realise I no longer wanted to live in there. However, life has a way of producing random occurrences which remind you of things you’re choosing to ignore. I feel I am investing more energy into the things I choose to pursue these days, yet I find that my stay is always short. I miss vet, and I miss Roma. The latter I never thought I would say, but I think it’s because of the time, the energy and the effort that I have invested in these things; trying to make them work even when I know they’re not the perfect fit. I find I’ve just been getting settled in when my time is up to leave them… when the time comes to move on and try the next phase. I’ve met more people who I want to keep knowing. People who have changed my attitudes, changed my way of thinking and my way of feeling. Why must I leave these people behind too?

Ok Troy, so what’s the point. There is no point. I wasn’t trying to make a point specifically, but I just feel that for all the effort, I almost gain so much, but then don’t because of decisions and circumstance.

I am discovering that the price for thinking too much is really very expensive…